Character Biography: Ebenezer

Biography for Ebenezer.

Title: Bloody Ridiculous Showoff
Level: 13
Restorations: 16
Race: Human
Implant: Spatial Awareness
Riding: Nothing
Hat Size: 68
Jewelry: Choker, Amulet, Necklace, Bracelet, Ring
Tattoos: phoenix, dragon, symbol, heart, skull, swan, rose, star, tiger, hummingbird, daisy, snake
This player has defeated the Improbability Drive on the following difficulty ranks:

Rank 1: 1 time(s)
Rank 2: 3 time(s)
Rank 3: 6 time(s)
Rank 4: 4 time(s)
Rank 5: 12 time(s)
Rank 6: 13 time(s)
Rank 7: 9 time(s)
Bastard Rank: 32 time(s)
They are currently attempting a Rank 7 Drive Kill.
Their average rank is 6.23.

Improbability Drive Kills: 80
Ebenezer looks like he should be sitting at a desk in a cramped, orderly office rather than stumbling around in the sweltering jungle.

He is a small man with plain blue eyes, round spectacles, and sticky-out ears that seem a size or two too big for his head. His hair is a dull brown, scruffy, and worn with muttonchop sideburns. He's dressed in black trousers, a white collared shirt, a black necktie, braces (suspenders), and black and white wingtip shoes. In the pocket of his shirt, he keeps a small family of pens and pencils. This is not a colourful fellow.

His neat-pressed and tidy appearance is supplemented with a stuffy, dignified character. Though, this character is somewhat tarnished by his general nervousness and perpetual stammering.

Player's webpage

Pinata PunisherMuseum MarketeerBearer of the MapFailcake Fancier
Cuthbert's Academy of Lingual DefenceMaiko's Meat SchoolPervy Kitten FancierCryptic Answers
Really Awesome KissFriend of the HedgehogsSupreme Crate FinderEmily Bundle Supporter
Perfect TimingSplit-Second SavantStrategy SeekerCreator Bundle

Crap Meat
This is what the locals affectionately call "Crap Meat." It's mostly wobbling chunks of stinking yellow fat, intermingled with the occasional squirmy tendon. Micha prepared it especially for you.

Kitchen Knife
A simple, tarnished kitchen knife, once used for cutting a wedding cake.

Glorious Bastard trophy
A small piece of slightly glowing metal, welded to a bronze base. There are words carved into the metal: Glorious Bastard. Carved into the base, in small letters, is the name of the Bastard who holds it.

Improbably Small Shark
Aaw, look at the cute palm-sized shark!

Counterfeit Card
What luck! You find a smudged, battered old playing card, right here in your very hand! You've heard these can be worth quite a bit to a collector-... hey, now hold on just a minute, here.

A Coin
An old, worn coin with some writing on it.

A Lacy Fan
A frilly and fancy ladies' fan, covered in lace.

Origami Lotus
This elegant folded paper lotus glows with a warm coloured light.

Defender of Quality Badge
A button in the shape of a silvery shield, embossed with the "Latin" E Qwertyus Asdfus.

It's a fairly standard sized vanilla cupcake, with bright yellow icing slathered thick over the top. Black icing has been piped on to form a simple smiley face.

Day Pass to the Bingo Hall
It's a free day pass to the Bingo Hall! Wait, isn't that place already free? The date on the corner is smudged, and the signature a genuine forgery.

Props's TYPES Badge
A silver typewriter key inscribed with a stylized letter 'P'. This badge belonged to Medic Props.

Frilly Pink Panties
Ah! Such fond memories of your first Armor. It's only slightly weird you carry these around.

Raffle Ticket
A slightly-faded raffle ticket, torn off its roll.

Spade Star
A little thing, small and fragile, but bright and shiny. It looks awfully like the ones found at the Laughing Spade's Ferris Wheel, doesn't it?

Improbably Burny Straw
Forged from Failboat straws and Improbability Bomb plastic, this item warms up any good cup of hot cocoa while lighting up your mug even in the darkest downpour of a Failboat cruise. A small Mouldywarp shaped like Cthulu on a gold banner decorates this as a Hotel Titanic Collectable.

Steaming Hot Cup Of TNtea

A dangerously delicate cup engraved with the symbol for explosive and scrawled beneath it : TNtea.

Filled with a steaming thick, rich substance that smells intriguingly somewhat like... tea.

Backgammon Board
A mahogany box with brass hinges and clasp. A small plate affixed to the top reads: Ebenezer Craigen.

Micha's Special Hooch
A wide-mouthed jar filled with potent amber whiskey. Holding it up to the light catches a sparkling glint around the edges.

a small portable radio
It's a small radio with a wood pattern. Tiny vines creep from the speaker and moss grows on the sides. On the back, you can see a small scrap of paper duct-taped firmly.

S17 Modified R.O.A. Drone
At 10 inches in diameter, this spherical Metallic Orb floats above your shoulder in a cute fashion. Made of Titanium, this Drone has laser firing capabilities as well as a mounted camera to record and transmit video. An S17 Logo is painted on the side.

Animated Plushie
A cloth doll, six to eight inches in height, given life using various methods of a potentially questionable nature.

The Plushie's head is far too large for its body, the neck omitted altogether. The limbs are quite stubby, lacking any form of digits. And yet, despite these anatomical shortcomings, the Plushie is quite mobile, able to keep up with even the fastest Son of Budget Horse with relative ease, and improbably dexterous, able to manipulate a variety of tools and work the large majority of simple machinery.

The Doll is likely to resemble, though it seldom serves as an accurate representation of, a loved one or sworn enemy in both appearance and mannerisms. With its simplified features and tiny hand-tailored clothing, one might even describe it as somewhat adorable, if they can look past the needle-lined maw.

Well, it's a weathered pocketbook. Probably has important figures in it.

Memento Memento
A small trophy made of gears, cogs and other machine parts welded together.

Happy Birthday Cake
It's a wonderfully decorated cake! What flavor is the cake? You can't tell what flavor the cake is under all the frosting!

notebook full of statistics
Columns and tables of numbers and details. The notebook is small and cheap, but the contents are neatly written. The title page reads Improbable Statistics.

The Emperor
A slightly-weathered, thin pasteboard card depicting a king sat upon his throne, scepter in hand.

Network Badge
This looks like some sort of Clan Badge.
It is a metal shield, cut in half
left field red, right field black.
In the middle there are white letters:

With the last part of the N and the first part of the W are crossing.

Club Seven Dog Tag
A stainless steel set of military dog tags, shiny but for a few flakes of dried blood, on a thin metal ball chain. On the face of the plates the words CLUB SEVEN are carved in crude block capitals.

A Dirty Midget's Package
A rubbery sack adorned with patchy hair holds a videocassette tape within. It's worn and slightly stained with I-don't-want-to-know. Emblazoned upon it is the label 'Swabbing the Poop Deck: Jackalope Style'.

The Kudos Sticker
This curious thing is a large round sticker, about the size of your palm, if you're an average sized human being, and is jet black with a bright and friendly yellow trim around the edge.
It reads '
KUDOS' in large font.

Everlasting Gobstopper
This colorful blob of candy will never wear away and never break, though it might break your teeth.

Blue Bottlecap
Once steadfastly affixed to a bottle, it is now just as steadfastly embedded deep in Ebenezer's pocket. It is not a symbol of love so much as a flight of fancy, but it nevertheless holds special significance.

Volunteer Badge
This badge, a pair of small, crossed spoons with the word Volunteer welded onto the front, marks the wearer as a generous and kind-hearted contributor to Soup and Pants Charity Kitchen.

Glass of Official* QQQ Punch
A glass of bona fide, Official* QQQ Punch. This is the very same punch they serve at all** the QQQ parties!

Message for You!
Ugg. Where did this arrow come from? Why does it hurt? There is this odd pain in your chest.At least the tip of the arrow had a bag of flour on the end to stop it from impaling you as it was shot from the tallest tower in the Tent by the Shore

a handmade tea cozy
The craftsmanship is admittedly shoddy, but it'll do the job.

Wisp of air
A small wisp of air floats around this contestant's head. It's only there if you squint just right in just the right light. It seems to change colors, and fade in and out of existence.

Valskyr Warrior Stone
A small and smooth blood red stone carved with an image of Stonehenge and a crossed sword and axe engraved in gold upon it.

Valskyr Treasure Stone
A small and smooth golden stone carved with an image of Stonehenge and a crossed sword and axe engraved in silver upon it.

Crowned Jackalope Skull Pin
It's a heavily banged-up lead pin in the shape of a Jackalope skull wearing a crown. Engraved in the crown are the letters FOP. Its antlers are rather dull and bent. The whole thing is inconveniently heavy and likely poisonous.

Blue Sakura Charm
A plastic charm resembling a five-petaled cherry blossom, but a soothing shade of light blue instead of traditional pink. It has a small metal clip to attach to a bracelet, clothing, or any place one might want to display the trinket.

Totally UNkosher Matzo Pizza!!
Wow! This is one board of DELICIOUS MATZO!!

Actully, that's improbable because Matzo is NEVER delicious, there's a REASON why it's called The Bread of Affliction, after all.

But this stuff....THIS is what a good Matzo Pizza is all about!

Numptical Carp

It's a dead carp on a plaque.
Glass eye leering, its fishy lips turn up in a horrible smirk. How... erm, lovely.

There's a small brass plate attached to the base, with some sort of poem written on it.

Good Cheer Committee
A little brass badge in the shape of a shield, featuring a smiley face in yellow-and-black enamel. This contestant has been inducted into the Good Cheer Committee for writing fun and friendly scenes in NewHome!

Awesome Assortment of Hats
Hats have long been a sign of status and class, and they don't come any better than this fancy fedora perched atop a Joker's traditional top-hat. Let all who gaze upon the bearer know how truly awesome they must be and show their due respect.

leather wallet full of smudged, battered old playing cards
A handsome folder of tooled leather, just the right size to hold a few curiously worn, grubby scraps of pasteboard.

It's bulging with a full deck of cards and a couple of railway tickets.

Jeu Zéro
A casino token fashioned from a tarnished six-cog spur gear with dice faces added between the cogs. An inlay depicts the 7-7-7 "Horatio", a steam locomotive, racing across the island. Under this is a humble inscription:

Fortuna nos fides

Slice of Portal cake
It can't be. They said it didn't exist. They said it was a lie. But it's here. It's really here! A slice of the promised cake!

It's a slice of twin chocolate layered cake with chocolate icing. Some whipped cream and a gumball are on top.

S17 Modified Spectral Chimera Goggles
As stylish as they are functional, these goggles wrap around the head with an elastic band and feature two round metal frames that hold the tinted lenses away from the face.
There are brackets for affixing attachments: flashlight, slits for blast protection, magnifying lenses, night vision, and infrared.

VIT-Tracker S17 Modified Watch
A small LCD touch-screen on a wristwatch. Lines indicate the nearest life-forms, with the strength of the line indicating proximity, with a few coded colors, symbols and letters denoting status. The meaning of these symbols are not immediately apparent. All the buttons do is change the colors and turn the device on and off.

An Brick From The Wall
It looks like a generic brick, But it contains the power to ruin every scene possible..

It makes a soft, humming noise. Care to investigate?

Licence to Hug
A small plastic card with a calico pattern. Emblazoned upon it are the words

Licecnce to Hug

and below that in smaller print

The bearer of this card is entitled to Hug, Snuggle, Glomp, Snuzzle and Cuddle with or without discretion.

BAKA Squad Badge
This is a silver sheriff's badge like they used in the old west. It reads BAKA Squad, boldly inscribed on it's face. The owner of this has been deputized by BAKA.

Your Virginity!

This...this must be the most amazing item you've encountered...

You hold it in your hands, staring in disbelief...

Somehow, someway, someone figured out how to give this back to you!?!

Could it possibly be real?!?

Barikade Marmalade
A jar of marmalade, tied neatly with a ribbon.

How to Train Your Eggbert
A beautifully detailed book detailing how to take care of your Eggbert, simplified down to be just over the reading level of your average Stephen Hawking and just soft enough to be easily eaten by your average Mini-Godzilla.

Acceptable Activities Around Karina Handbook
A Colorful handbook full of all the thing you are allowed to do while in the presence of Karina.

Monogrammed Handcuffs
A finely crafted set of stainless steel handcuffs, engraved with a modest monogram of the owners initials. Try not to get them dirty!

You see before you a miniature thunderstorm that floats just over your head.

Triangle Dominoes
A lightly-battered tin, painted dark blue, labeled Triangle Dominoes. It contains 50 or so clay triangles, carefully hand-cut and hand-painted, and a printed sheet of instructions.

Box of Chocolates
It's a large black box, with a picture of a parrot embossed on the top. There is no other decoration, save for a small image in one of the corners: two brass dice, mid-roll.

Grimdark Chernobyl in a Teapot
You hold a large ornate lead teapot, its lid and spout vacuum-sealed. On its sides are glass apertures allowing one to view its contents; a glowing swirl of green & black alcoholic tea lovingly known as 'Grimdark Chernobyl'.

Care to have a drink?

Laser dot
You've actually managed to catch a laser dot! Be careful though, open your hand, and it's gone! Pesky little demons, mocking you with their diabolical dance. Well, this one was not quick enough. You better put it back before it manages to escape...

Solluxandra's Scaly Ass
A life-sized mould of Sol's draconic rear end. For those times when huge just isn't huge enough. Use it as a pillow, or a mattress!

Energy Drink
A battered looking energy drink contained in the usual ROCKET BOTTLE. It's just waiting for you to crack it open.

A Slinky!
A sleek spiraly spring of thin metal that has just the right tension to allow it to do all sorts of tricks!

Monster Repellent Spray
A nice and sturdy new can of Monster Repellent Spray!

Now with an added caption: The winning contestant your rookie could smell like.

Panthzer Sleeping Bag
There's a Panthzer eating that contestant!! Oh... It's just a sleeping bag. False alarm!

Infinite Teleporter
This oddly shaped device looks like your everyday One-Shot Teleporter! It's surprisingly clean and shiny though, fresh out of the Supply Crate perhaps?

A Gold brick!
Oh my god! It's a brick made out of gold! Not only is it totally awesome and valuable, but it's also insanely heavy! Great for bartering with and beating people over the head with. Though the first may be a better idea than the second.

Rank Seven Brass Knuckle
This Golden, stunningly hand crafted, hand mounted Brass Knuckle rests upon your hand. It has been awarded to you for your no doubt flawless victory over the Improbability Drive, on a Rank Seven play-through, no less. It only gets harder from here on.

Live Grenade
So you've got a Live Grenade.

Crate from the Great Crate in the Sky.
From the Sky be blessed.

Failor Finnegan's Fail Cocoa
This red and black thermos has a grim face scowling at you from it. Large block print letters around the face identify it as Failor Finnegan's Fail Cocoa. Small subtext near the bottom proudly states Made with real tears!

A No. 2 Pencil!
A shiny, brand-new, yellow-painted, ever-present and always necessary wooden pencil. It is of the No. 2 type, of course, and is an absolute must for any classy contestant.

Tea-Making Contraption
A fancy machine designed from Trowa's own drawing table. Lamp oil-powered, it can brew a cup of tea and knit a new coaster at the same time.

Survival Serviette
A pack of napkins specifically for use in the wilderness. Made from the wood pulp left in Suzie's Carpentry boxes, these well-made wipers won't be the softest touch to your unprotected posterior, but they're better than a sprig of Hawton's Ivy.

A Shining Trophy
A small, gleaming trophy topped with a lovely representation of the Goddess of Love herself.

Improbable Scout Handbook
A slim book bound in hippo-hide, with Improbable Scout Handbook printed across the front. The front page says that handbooks and scout badges are available at (9,4), just outside NewHome. Well, this sounds like fun!

Chainmail Bikini
A chainmail bikini, lined with rabbit fur, adorned with baubles, bangles, and tiny bells, and barely covering what needs to be covered. It is evident that the wearer of this armor has participated in High Adventure.

A large phallus-shaped hat
This tightly fitted hat has a large, floppy synthetic rubber phallus extending almost four feet from the top of it. It wobbles when you move your head.

Ebenezer's Marker
The Bearer of this personal marker is entitled to any one favor from Ebenezer which cannot be refused.

My Sincerest Apologies
You have My Sincerest Apologies.
I really AM a nice person at heart. I try my best to Play Well with Others, but as a mere mortal, I'm bound to Get it Wrong now and again. I am Truly Sorry, and I hope that you can Forgive Me.

Frozen Flora
A sprig of bright, fresh greenery, a single, perfect flower, or several small blossoms, forever pristine in a thick casing of crystal-clear, unmelting ice.

Perhaps the contents say something about the person? Hm.

A No 2 Pencil
The lettering on the orange, steel, and pink pencil reads Dixon Tick-on-their-Olga Number Tew. Absolutely genuine, especially since you can tell the lettering was carved into it. 'Lightly' used - down to the metal bits and eraser chewed on.

Pouch of Ashes
The pouch is made of what looks like canvas raggedly cut from some other bit of cloth. It's tied shut with a long strap of leather and is clearly meant to be worn around the neck. The ashes within are from Tree.

The Viking's Bride
This romance novel from Kayla Bliss features a hardy Viking warrior in chainmail armor set against a bleak winter background with a Dragonship upon the tempestuous sea in the distance. He bears a striking resemblence to a contestant...

Paper Butterfly
A palm-sized butterfly cut out of colorful construction paper and decorated with glitter glue and googly eyes. It's smiling at you!

A Garter Holster with Derringer
Just what every dangerous saloon gal needs: a sexy concealed weapon! It shows off your wares without showing off you hardware.

Tea Cup
A delicate, white porcelain cup is patterned with blue jungle flowers. Green vines twist between the flowers, painted as if to seem that they flow over the edge of the bowl. The handle is carefully molded to look like curling leaf twisted about a branch.

White-Line Nightmare
On the roads it was a white-line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice...

Crimson Horde Banner
This strip of cloth may vary in shade of red, but any who bear it know its significance.

Welcome to the
Crimson Horde.

Madam Byte's Lei!
Fresh, colorful flowers on a string. They've got a certain smell to them - their own smell, of course, but also a hint of lavender. A party favor from Madam Byte's place!

The Ledger of Lust: An Account of Sins
He dipped his pen in the company ink. Now he must balance the books...

So declares another scorcher from the desk of Kayla Bliss. Can this mutton- chopped studmuffin triumph in the boardroom and the bedroom, or has he bounced his last cheque?

Arse On A Stick
When some people think of lovely presents, they imagine a big bunch of roses. Or chocolates. Perhaps stuffed toys, nice watches and pens...

It is highly doubtful that this is the first thing to come to mind.


A Claricature of You
It's a paper bag with your portrait on it.
It's actually quite good. You look really
You're posing
dramatically against a stormy sky, weapon drawn, atop a pile of... wait... are those puppies? Oh that's just awful!

Mistletoe Belt Buckle
Santa knows what you want for Christmas! This belt buckle with the permanently preserved mistletoe encased in it, just might help you with that.

A rather plain looking Thermos flask, decked in the festive colours of red and white, enscribed along the side: INFINITEA. Fastened to the lid is a little card: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Hawkeye Hanlon!

Improbable Dreidel
A great miracle happened there.

So, bring the miracles to you, today! This spinning top is made of fine wood and improbability! Guaranteed to be able to spin, and spin, and spin, and spin.

Great for teaching young kids how to gamble!

The War of the Necktie
A portrait painting of Ebenezer sitting awkwardly in his chair behind a tall writing desk, while Escemfer in kittymorph form wantonly straddles his lap and toys mischievously with his necktie.

A thick math textbook, bound by navy blue laminated card stock. Across the cover, a Romanized title scribbled in creepy fashion reads: Reimannomicon

Awesome Things About This Player
3 Points in Witty Wordsmith
Parodies, puns, jokes, stories, all fall into their domain.

9 Points in Cute Butt
Sometimes it's just gotta be said.

3 Points in Daredevil
Point them in the direction of the impossible!

1 Point in Cool Cat
pretty fly for a fictitious guy.

3 Points in Dependable Friend
Need a place to crash, a drink to quench your thirst, a bandage in that hard-to-reach spot? You know who to call.

3 Points in Irresistible Charm
A smile, a well-timed comment, even a look is all it takes them to befriend you.

8 Points in Mood Lifter
Brings smiles where frowns sat before.

1 Point in Fearless Leader
The one you follow, if only out of curiosity.

2 Points in Resourceful Roleplayer
Supplied by the contents of monsters' pockets and stomachs, this contestant's motto is "waste not, want not."

5 Points in Warm Heart
Kind, caring, willing to help, and always sympathetic.

3 Points in Delightfully Mad
Some contestants are completely bonkers, and this one is bonkers in a good way.

1 Point in Metal and Glass
Exemplar of the Robot race. Initializing bonus.

2 Points in Mostly Harmless
Exemplar of the Human race. Welcome, by the way.

1 Point in Always the Altruist
So generous they'll give you the shirt off their back. And their trousers, if you ask nicely.

1 Point in Refreshingly Sane
In a place where everyone's off their rocker, they are regularly on it. And it's nice.

2 Points in Inimitable Style
There can only be one, and this is them.

4 Points in Improbably Successful
Don't tell them the odds.

4 Points in Fiery Passion
Trust your feelings.

1 Point in Voice of Reason
A ground wire in the electrical circuits of havoc that are the Island.

2 Points in Helping Hand
Having a hard time? They'll be around shortly.

1 Point in Gratuitously Geeky
For the super smart, or the cognitively crazed.

1 Point in Derring Doer
Displaying daring deeds in desperate disasters, a defender of all damsels in distress.

1 Point in Unintentional Wit
Oh? That was funny? I didn't mean for it to be, but okay!

1 Point in Modest but Awesome
Refuses to acknowledge their amazing-ness.

1 Point in Welcome Wagon

2 Points in Jack-of-All-Trades
Master of fun.

2 Points in Storyteller
Let me tell you a story about the Island.

1 Point in Mad Scientist
Mad, I tell you! MAD!

2 Points in Ingenious Inventor
You've gotta wonder where this contestant gets those wonderful toys...

2 Points in Open Mind
But not so open their brains fall out.

1 Point in Brilliant Buffoon
Sultan of Slapstick. Classiest of Clowns. Gives silliness a bright, bright sheen.

2 Points in Naughty but Nice
There's a heart of gold in there.

1 Point in Lovable
you don't know what's so great in them, but you can't stop the fuzzy feelings.

2 Points in Scatterbrain
Uhmm, sorry, who are you again? I'm su-oh, mum! Hello mum!

1 Point in Honourable Genteel
Most impeccable in eloquence and dress.

1 Point in Plotter Extraordinaire
They're twelve moves ahead already.

1 Point in Chronic Chrononaut
To this contestant, new days are just a blur.

1 Point in Technical Tenacity
Practice makes perfect.

1 Point in Exquisite Courtesy
Always polite, no matter what.

1 Point in Ad-lib Mad Lips
This contestant is never prepared, and never needs to be!

2 Points in Dark Horse
This contestant has hidden depths that you'll only find by being close to them.

1 Point in Action Sequencer
This person knows how to set up a jaw-dropping action scene. Lights, camera, AWESOME!

1 Point in Inspiring Force
A mover and a shaker. When they're around, others are moved to action.

1 Point in Enchanting Entrant
Someone who, no matter what the place, time, or scene, makes themself known in an unforgettable manner.

Recent accomplishments (and defeats) of Ebenezer
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Game Design and Code: Copyright © 2002-2005, Eric Stevens & JT Traub, © 2006-2007, Dragonprime Development Team, 2008-onwards © Improbable Enterprises
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